IN NEED OF A CRY

So there I was, at the neighborhood coffee shop.  After hours of mindless, directionless walking.

                      

Started reading about, of all things, a detailed account of a stranger’s first sexual encounter on his blog.  It wasn’t supposed to make me cry.

But the chorus of “I’m Your Angel” started playing on my ipod.  And my eyes suddenly pooled with tears.  Sentimental shit.  

Somehow hearing, “I believe I can fly… I believe I can touch the sky …” corny as the damn song is, reminded me I feel the total opposite right now. 

And I could see the tears in me create invisible puddles on the coffee shop floor, making the students walking about slip and brake and accidentally pour their lattes over themselves without knowing why …     

I’m on the verge of losing everything in my life.  The man who has been my family for more than a decade, the job I spent years slaving over, my parents, my friends, my home, my hometown, my country.  I’m giving up all this for I don’t know what anymore.

I only know that I have to.

But the point is lost on me sometimes. 

Some people are tied to their lives with thin slivers of string, allowing them to fly lightly like balloons into the future.  But I’m an earth sign.  I’ve always been so deeply rooted to my life.  Every thing, person, place that I love grows into a thick cable connected to my heart that I never really let go of.

And so I now find myself homesick without even having left home yet.

There’s more to this though.

I haven’t written about it, because man, there is nothing to say. 

Except that his eyes are burned into my mind when I’m awake and I can hear his voice in my dreams …

And I get just that little bit more heartbroken as each day passes.